Feelers

Hello my dear People Friends,

I have come to the realization that I thrive on feeling emotions. What I mean by that is that I like to feel every emotion to it’s full potential no matter what the emotion is. Be it sad, happy, angry, confused, or even apathetic. I just love feeling them all to the extremes.

One of the people I look up to the most in life told me the same thing the other day. This person said the they LOVE feeling every single thing in life and shielding themselves from nothing. That’s the exact way I feel. I learned a while ago to never lie to yourself of try to convince yourself that you’re someone else. It won’t work. When I was struggling with my sexuality I was constantly telling myself how straight I was. We all see how that went. Eventually I continued with the self lying by telling myself that I don’t feel this, or I do feel that. That method also doesn’t work. I have now learned to just acknowledge exactly what I feel. What’s the point in pretending otherwise? Who will judge you on little things like that? Most of the time nobody else will even know the things that you feel so there is no way for anyone to judge you. We only have to judge ourselves. We obviously don’t need to worry about that so why not just embrace everything to the fullest.

I have a good friend who likes to pretend that nothing is ever wrong. When things get too hard to think about, she just doesn’t. She simply changes the subject of thinking and moves on. She never lets the emotions run their course. Eventually they get so built up that she of course has a breakdown and releases all of the stored energy. But that’s healthy. My way is also unhealthy because I am constantly putting my body into extreme happy or extreme sad modes but I just like it that way. I can’t imagine changing the subject to avoid feeling sad. If anything I change the subject so I can start feeling something. When given the choice between watching a sad or funny movie I almost always chose the sad ones. I just like feeling the emotions those movies bring up. I think it’s all because my job as a dancer is to display my emotions on stage for everyone to see. If I have no emotions to display, I would be out of a job.

A perfect example would be Marie Osmond on Oprah. Marie just lost on of her sons. She was very attached to this boy too. I got the feeling that he was the favorite. I think she lost him to suicide but I’m not entirely sure. But the point is she got on stage and sang this beautiful Ballad “to” him. She had to stop right at the beginning because it was too hard for her to continue. She started over and finished but she was crying the whole time. My mom was sitting next to me watching the show and asks out loud “Why would you put yourself through that?” My mom was also crying. I told her that that’s just what artists do. We put ourselves through those situations to feel the catharsis and release that goes along with feeling those emotions. What she doesn’t understand is those are the moments we live for. Where we get to portray bare emotion in the form of our art. Those are the moments that define us as artists…

~A Melodramatic King A

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